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Written by Lakshay Rawat (He/She/They)
Queerspeak 1.0
20.07.2017
Dear Diary,
So, I am blushing like a red tomato. I feel so warm and fuzzy inside me. Ha, is this all love or just unbound affection? Will I have him, or will I not have him? Many questions are storming through my mind, and yes, all of them are about this one guy. I am literally smiling and holding a pillow as we talk. Mom made these really tasty Aloo paranthas; my fingers still smell like them.
To begin with, I joined this DSN course. I was pumped to start something new from The Art of Living. I have been so grateful for the meditation, yoga, and life changes they have provided me. I feel more enlightened and clear-minded day after day because of my Guru.
Now, back to the story. This new course was just near my residence, so I was extra excited for it. I went into thinking about all the possible benefits it would give me for my life and health. The first day at orientation, we were told all the rules of the course. We were supposed to bring lunch with us for our fellow participants who were staying on the premises away from home. I was paired with this guy named Sagar. At first, he seemed like a normal guy. I used to pack nice lunch boxes. We slowly became more connected. I felt an instant connection developing with him. His demeanour and manner of speaking were simultaneously so irritating and endearing.
He had this adorable smile and look always on his face after finishing the food. Somehow, he used to always end up with more food on his clothes than in his mouth. Hehe, so cute. I used to hide my smiles while eating. But sadly, I knew he was straight from the get-go. I was aware he was into girls, and I felt defeated and sad, but it felt nice to admire someone nice.
Diary, why are all good guys either taken or straight?
Peace out
Jacky
28.09.2017
Dear Diary,
I have been exchanging texts with Sagar for a long time. We talk and talk for hours and hours. He has a girlfriend now. I am jealous but also sort of happy. Or maybe more jealous than happy. So, enough about Sagar; now about me. I guess I am a little confused about myself. I mean, I do feel attracted to men, but somehow, thinking about sex is not on my mind. When I see porn, I feel disconnected. I always wonder why these people are not cuddling or kissing.
Do all people feel the same way? Do you think I am overthinking about these feelings? Maybe? Maybe not? Well, these questions can sometimes be very overwhelming for me. Therefore, I move to my guru for answers. He says, “Love is not demanding; it is giving. We are all made up of love, and our existence is love itself." All this has helped me find new strength and self-love. Moreover, breathing techniques and meditation have helped me come such a long way in my life. I have found a new inner peace and calm because of all this. I am very grateful to my guru, who has made it possible for me to reach this position. I will continue on my journey to find love. I will wait for my prince charming to come whenever the time is right. (I am blushing as I write about it.) But even for that, I
need to have a set list of all my demands. So, my diary, I am confiding in you what I want in a man.-
1. Compatibility-see I’m a very strong personality he should be able to bear with me. 2. Emotional respect, it is a must.
3. Understanding.
Ummm… Ahh
4. Progressive and not stereotypical.
5. Loving and supportive.
6. Physical contact—this one is complex, so I need to elaborate—I want to have kisses, hugs, cuddles, sleeping together, cooking together, and so much more.
Somewhere out there, someone is my twin flame, and he will meet me without a doubt. I will wait for him to come.
Feeling bittersweet
Jacky
04.02.2018
Dear Diary,
So I got this ad on my phone for gay dating app; it is called "Grindr." I gave it a try for the first time, and I found that it was full of creepy people. I got really weirded out and closed it. For the next few weeks, I stayed away from that app, but curiosity got the best of me. I
kept seeing new profiles and received many nude pictures and sex proposals. I mean, why are these men so eager to have sex? What about a meeting? Drinking coffee? Eating food? Hugging? Or just simply talking?
I felt like it was a total waste of an app when I got a new text from a guy. His name was Nishant, and he wanted me to meet at the railway station. I even met him. He claimed he wanted to have only sex, but me, being naive and young, extended a hand of friendship instead. He took it, and I was happy that I had finally made a friend.
He was an average-looking guy with a simple look, but what attracted me the most was his smile. That constellation of teeth and lips did a number on me seriously ^^ haha.
On January 26th, he called me, stating he was near my house and wanted to meet me. I was delighted but scared to meet my new friend. I asked for the address. But he was complacent and said he would give the directions over the phone. I was skeptical at first, but I followed. I ended up coming to an apartment door that was in a very secluded environment. (I know, I am a foolish guy to trust directions from a guy I just met once on Grindr, but I really was hoping to see him again in person.)
Nishant opened the door, and he was waving at me. From the corner of my eye, inside I saw a guy sitting naked on the sofa. When I entered, he told me to sit as he went to get some water. The guy told me that he had asked Nishant to call a guy for threesomes. I was terrified, but I maintained my composure. I blatantly told them no, and I don’t want to have sex. Rather than leaving the place, I started giving them lectures on how they should not masturbate, focus on their careers, etc. And fun fact: I came home safe.
A few weeks later, the next time I met Nishant, he had heeded my advice and started a job. It brought joy to my mind but also remains a chilling experience to date. I laugh about it, but to tell you the truth, diary, I was shitting bricks. I was super scared that day.
Well, you know it is weird. The quest for love is so long and difficult. But finding good friends is getting more difficult than finding love. But you remain my friend in all this chaos.
Feeling brave but also stupid
Jacky
27.03.2018
Dear Diary,
So I met a guy—well, in the most unexpected way. I was at a friend’s marriage in Buldana. I packed up a very basic suit and a bunch of other traditional clothes. I was still very new to the whole Grindr scene. And I never thought I would meet someone in a village like that. I reached the venue and was planning to rest when suddenly my phone buzzed with notifications. Someone just texted me on Grindr. I was drinking water, and my eyes quickly widened. I rushed to the phone and saw a message from a blank profile saying, “Hey, how are you?”. I was so eager that rather than saying “I am fine," I ended up writing “I am fin." He replied, saying, “Okay, nice to meet you, Fin.” I found that cute, haha. Later, we talked a lot, and he said he wanted to meet casually, and I agreed.
I was nervous about meeting him, so we decided to meet at a spot near the marriage venue. He was kind and humble. Very attractive too. I had one of the best times of my life with him. We ventured into the village of Buldana. He showed me places while I was on the bike with him. I felt shy at first, but by the end of the day, I was holding him from the back as we traveled place after place. After that, he dropped me off at the bus stand. That was a very special day in my life.
I jumped on the bus, and we said goodbye. I was feeling an instant pan of sadness, as if I were already missing him. We kept on talking for two months. But just like every good thing, this came to an end as well. He stated that he is bisexual and is soon planning to marry a girl. His parents' last wish was for him to get married before they both passed away. So we just drifted apart. (I didn’t cry for him because somehow I knew this wasn’t going to last, but in all honesty, I was hurt.) I had these silly thoughts and memories of how he called me a simple and cute guy. Maybe I am cute; I never thought of it until he said it. ^^
Also, I still kept going on a push-pull with Sagar; he started to ghost me, and he didn’t initiate conversations from his side at all. So I also got fed up and stopped texting him often.
In a quest to find love, see you soon.
Love Jacky.
12.05.2018
Dear Diary
The search for love has been going on, but I am more focused on my organic business. I want to expand and grow my business and get a stable income out of it. One day at work, I got a message on my Grindr. Yes, I have been using it for quite a while. I am texting and talking to people of all sorts. You know, I finally understood what T/B meant. Haha. I was always confused about how to reply to such texts.
So the message came from a profile with no picture. I talked, and it was revealed that he is actually working nearby. He has a shop not that far away from mine. His name was Mohit. We met, and we started meeting often at his shop or mine. We became friends quickly. We encountered each other many times over the span of three months. And it was revealed that he was actually married. I was taken aback. But I eventually found a middle ground.
On the 4th month, he confessed his love for me. And I found his approach sincere and gave him a chance. He was romantic; his daily routine was to love me and drop me off at my house after work. We used to talk all day when we were at work. One day he playfully mentioned that he has three major people in his life: his mom, his wife, and me. I felt good but was also feeling a little weird to be on the same level as his wife. In my love, I deleted all the apps. And asked him to do the same.
On Mondays, the market is closed. And he used to tell me he went out with his wife on Mondays. I kind of knew this guy was sketchy and troublesome. But love is blind, and a queer person in love is double blind, haha.
So one fine day, I discovered he was using my name in front of his wife, and vice versa, to go out and sleep with other men. I was furious; I didn’t tolerate a single second more, and we broke off. It was a year-long relationship. We were falling apart, and I asked him to return all the borrowed money. I felt stupid for trusting a guy like him. I felt hopelessly romantic and was tricked. Since then, I have been very skeptical of every guy that approaches me.
I felt wronged but not defeated and decided to focus my energy and mind on my work. I miss Sagar. I wish he calls me )
Moral of the story: Don’t give money to a married guy.
Jacky
05.04.2021
Dear Diary
I am feeling ecstatic, happy, and relieved. Finally, I have confessed my feelings to him. Yes, Sagar. I told him my feelings on his birthday. I got all my courage after watching a gay movie. That idiot replied,I love you u too.I know his sentiments were not the same as mine, but I felt new-found bravery to approach men openly about my sexuality.
I am screaming, happy, and jumping. I was smiling so much that my cheeks hurt.
Also, a quick fun fact: when I came out to this idiot, He told me he already knew that I was a little queer, and he was patiently waiting for me to come out. I was embarrassed but also a little happy that he accepts me for who I am.
It was a good day. Now, I am going to go and keep on blushing.
All happy and satisfied
Jacky
19.01.2022
Dear Diary
Umm, something unexpected happened to me. So, diary, I guess I have found out why porn creeps me out sometimes. Well, in full disclosure, I am homo-romantic demisexual. I know it is a mouthful term, but I saw this Ace-milap story on one of my friends' WhatsApp. I was quite curious and wanted to know more about it. So I eventually contacted Raj, the head of Indian Asexuals. He helped me clear all my doubts, and I finally understood why I was never attracted to the sexual aspect.
So the chase to find a person is now even more difficult, and yes, I will be approaching people as an asexual now.
By the way, a quick recap of my life. I am actually doing well. I have my YouTube channel, yeah, and now I am posting more than ever. I am doing more work for cows and working in my family business. I am also trying my hand in all sorts of fields to get independent as soon as possible. <3
Aww, my eyes are wet, but my heart is content. Thank you, Diary, for always listening to my heart’s cries when I needed someone the most. I wish one special day someone would come and sway me away. Oh, I have a dream of having love in my life.
Love you and thank you for being my constant,
Jacky ;)
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